The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize