Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
