I'm going to jail i love you
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
