talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize