so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
