I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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