the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
