You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
