I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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