the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I didn't notice because vodka
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
