i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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