I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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