I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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