were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
bring money and cleavage
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
