I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
