Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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