I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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