Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
