Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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