Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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