I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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