The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
