I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
