Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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