dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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