a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize