Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Randomize
