Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
