you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
