So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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