You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
