So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize