mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Still dying that you shit outside
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
