3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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