The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
