Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
