did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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