if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
