When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
