I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
