Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
