Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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