turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
