I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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