If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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