I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
