you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
As shirtless as possible
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize