i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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