After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
