nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
