I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
