i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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