I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
