i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
