Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
